Re:gen Diaries: Reflecting Week 3–Getting out of the Rut and Facing What’s Underneath

When You Realize You’re Stuck

This week of Regen forced me to confront something I didn’t fully see before:

I was in a rut.

Not just a temporary struggle.

Not just a hard week.

A pattern. A cycle.

A place where I kept returning–emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Honestly, I didn’t realize how deep it went.

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The Rut I Didn’t Want to Name

One of the first things that I came up this week was this:

Withholding my feelings. Not asking for help.

And the deeper I sat with that the more I realized that I had been struggling longer than I admitted.

Each week of this process is getting harder (in a bittersweet way), but I know that is the point.

I can feel it…

Eventually I am going to hit a place where I can’t hold it together anymore…where I have to fully surrender.

Now being real, I thought I thought I had healed, but now I am realizing…

I healed enough to function

But not enough to surrender.

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Illusion of Control

There was a line I wrote in my journal that hit me hard:

I didn’t realize the parts of the pain I had I now held onto it and had control of it.

Thats the part I didn’t see before, I wasn’t free from my past.

I just learned how to manage it.

To carry it quietly.

To still show up

To still love God.

To still do the right things.

All the while still hurting underneath.

Scripture says:

“For simpletons turns away from me–to death. Fools are destroyed by their own complacency.” –Proverbs 1:32 (NLT)

Complacency doesn’t look dangerous. It looks like:

• “I’m doing okay”

• “I’ve already worked through that”

• “It’s not as bad as it used to be”

But in actual reality?

It keeps you in the same rut.

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Coping vs. Healing

This week exposed something I didn’t want to admit:

I vape when I am stressed.

I tell myself:

This is my last one.

That is when it clicked: I didn’t stop coping, i just changed what I coped with.

I went from one thing to another…I went from hard drugs to nicotine.

Real talk…I hard core justified it.

At least it wasn’t cocaine

God revealed something to me and it hit me like a truck:

My mindset is still a bondage.

Scripture tells us:

“You say ‘I am allowed to do anything’ –but not everything is good for you. And even though ‘I am not allowed to do anything,’ I must not become a slave to anything.”

–1 Corinthians 6:12 (NLT)

This wasn’t about vaping, it was about the pattern BEHIND it.

Running.

Numbing.

Avoiding.

Calling it healing…

When I was trying to cope.

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Facing Self-Centeredness (The Hard Truth)

Another layer that surfaced this week:

Self-centeredness–that I didn’t want to admit.

On the outside, I can say:

“I do a lot for other and I don’t expect anything in return.”

Indeed, that is true. However…is it deeper than that?

I still struggle with selfishness in my heart.

Especially in my marriage.

I feel like I could be doing more…but I also feel like he could be doing more.

That tension revealed something:

I wasn’t loving…I was measuring.

Comparing.

Expecting.

Keeping internal score.

Then Scripture says this:

“You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it.” 

–James 4:2 (NLT)

That doesn’t always look extreme.

Sometimes it looks like quiet frustration.

Internal resentment.

Unspoken expectations.

All because I didn’t come before God with my brokenness and my issues and surrendered it to Him.

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The Mindset That Keeps You Stuck

There was another moment in my journaling that really convicted me:

At least it’s not as bad as it used to be.

That phrase…

It keeps you stuck, because it lowers the standard of what freedom actually looks like.

Instead of asking:

Is this healthy?

We ask:

Is this better than before?

And those are not the same thing.

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Changing Playgrounds and People

This week touched on something deeply personal: Community.

Or honestly…

The lack of it.

I don’t have close friends yet, and I am still trying to get to know people within and outside of my church.

Truth be told…that is hard and I can feel the tension.

I want godly community.

I need accountability.

I need people who will walk with me.

I have to remember to give myself grace because i ams also still building that.

Scripture says:

  “Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for ‘bad company corrupts good character’” –1 Corinthians 15:33 (NLT)

This also points to something even deeper…

You cannot heal in isolation.

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When Your Past Still Affects Your Present

Moving from Maine to the South changed a lot for me.

In many ways, it protected me.

I’m no longer constantly looking over my shoulder.

I’m no longer surrounded by the same triggers.

Before…when my abuser came back into my ares:

I didn’t want to go into the stores that I knew she would be in–especially with my kids.

The fear was real.

The trauma was real.

Even though I’ve physically left the environment…some of that still lives inside of me.

This week made me realize:

Changing locations doesn’t automatically heal what’s internal.

I really thought this would do the trick….silly I know.

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The Prayer That Shifted Everything

At the end of the week, my prayer became simple, yet honest.

Lord, send godly friends into my life.

People who encourage, convict, lift me up, and hold me accountable.

I need more of that.

Lead me and show me what to do.

This is what I am realizing (at the ripe ole age of 29)

I can’t do this alone (as much as I want to)

I don’t think I was ever meant to.

The bible says:

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this obey the law of Christ.” 

–Galatians 6:2 (NLT)

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What I am Learning Right Now

To recap this week:

• You can look healed–and still be holding onto pain.

• Coping can disguise itself as healing

• “Better than before” isn’t the same as freedom

• Self awareness is uncomfortable–but necessary

• You cannot walk this journey alone.

Maybe this might be the most important one yet: 

God isn’t just after the behavioral change–he’s after heart transformation.

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Closing

This week was deep, raw, and far from easy.

This week:

• Exposed me

• Convicted me

• Felt heavy

• Felt uncomfortable

Yet at the same time, necessary.

I think this was the start to get me out of the rut.

Not pretending I am fine, but rather being honest about where I am stuck.

How I need to trust God enough to walk me out of it…

Just one step at a time.