Regen Diaries: Reflecting Week 2

 Regen Diaries: Reflecting on Week 2–When Healing Stopped Being Surface Level

I joined a year-long program called Re:Gen (a space for intentional spiritual renewal—where you slow down, reflect, and allow God to gently restore what’s been worn down by life. It’s about becoming honest, rooted, and transformed through truth, not just behavior change.) 

This week of Regen rocked my boat a bit and changed something in me.

So I am starting a new series (don’t worry the main series will continue on Wednesdays) called:

“Regen Diaries: Healing in Real Time”

This won’t be polished.

It will be far, far from perfect.

But one thing, I will promise you this…

It will be honest. 

(I will be sharing excerpts of my journal in these blog post series)

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I Thought I Had Already Healed

I am currently starting (and only) in week 3 of Regen (mind you this is a year long program), and this is my reflection of week 2 (and we go deep here people) if I am honest…

This week everything stopped feeling semi-surface level, not to say what I have been posting wasn’t real or raw–I’ve done years of Christian therapy trying to work through my past, (which comes from some of the posts that I’ve done and are doing) and I truly I had healed from a lot from it.

But this week, however, revealed something I wasn’t expecting:

I didn’t realize I hadn’t surrendered my pain and my brokenness.

I think I learned how to function with the brokenness and the pain of my past.

How to manage.

How to move forward.

But not how to fully release it to God.

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The Root Beneath the Surface

After a very honest conversation and humbling prayer, God started showing me something deeper.

A majority of my issues–temper, rage, anxiety, fear–stem from the brokenness of my childhood.

I didn’t grow up with stability.

There was no solid foundation.

I was constantly searching for love, validation, and worth.

Walking on eggshells became a normal, day-to-day thing.

Yet, somewhere along the way, I convinced myself I had already healed from that.

I feel horrible that I haven’t…but I am trying to give myself grace and seek God’s truth vs the screaming lies of the enemy.

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The Mansion I Built

(Thanks to NF, I refer to all my trauma that I keep stored up and locked up as my mansion)

I remember as listening to Fear by NF (crazy how God touches us through music) I started to cry because God was showing me that I too had what NF had:

A mansion.

Not one that was built in beauty–but one that was built out of protection.

What’s in my mansion…locked rooms that hold brokenness, abuse, identity issues, body dysmorphia, rage, fear (the list goes on)...

Rooms I shut the doors on.

Rooms I thought I had already dealt with.

Rooms I didn’t want to revisit.

But this week, it felt like God was asking me to walk back through not just one room–all of them.

And if I am being honest, which I promised I would be…

The mansion is everything I tried to keep locked away without realizing it.

And now, it feels like I am being exposed, and we all know how that feels…

I am holding the gas can…and God has the matches.

And that realization is terrifying.

This mansion is huge. It’s starting to burn–and I’m not sure if I am ready for this. I am utterly and totally scared.

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When Faith Meets Emotion

There has been this tension I cannot ignore.

I know God is with me.

I know what the truth says.

But, real talk? Emotionally?

Feelings are all consuming. It is like I’m in the ocean drowining–when I finally come up to breathe, another wave crashes over me. 

With that, this picture of Peter walking on water in the bible comes to my mind.

I feel like Peter. I have the ability to walk on the water in the storm…but I start to go under because I keep looking at the storm instead of Jesus.

Not because I do not believe.

I don’t have little faith–I think I just allow everything to consume me.

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Coping Isn’t the Same as Healing

This week also forced me to confront something I didn’t want to admit:

I vape when I am stressed. I always say, ‘this is my last one’...and then go buy another.

And that hit deeper than I expected, because it revealed a pattern:

I coped from drugs to vaping–and that became my vice and excuse.

And that was when it clicked.

I wasn’t healing.

I was coping.

And those two are not the same thing.

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The Surrender I Avoid

One of the hardest truths I had to face this week was this:

I didn’t want to give up the hurt.

Because holding onto it gave me control, letting it go feels unknown.

And the unknown feels unsafe (we all can relate to that right?)

But this week, I found myself praying differently:

Lord, I currently battle this moment as I go through this program. Please keep my eyes on You rather than my thoughts, dreams, and most of all my emotions.

Remove anything or anyone in my life that will cause me to stumble…but most of all–You.

I love you Lord. –Amen.

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What Scripture is Teaching Me

This week keeps me bringing me back to this moment in Scripture:

“But when he saw the strong wind and waves, he was terrified and began to sink. ‘Save me, Lord!’ he shouted. Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him.”

 –Matthew 14:30-31 (NLT)

Peter didn’t sink because Jesus wasn’t there, he sank because he shifted his focus.

I see myself in that.

Another verse that has lately been grounding me:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.”

–Proverbs 34:18 (NLT)

God is not waiting for me to be fully healed to come close.

He is near–right here, right in the middle of it.

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What I am Learning Right Now

Healing is not:

• Pretending you’re okay

• Managing the surface

• Or convincing yourself you’ve moved on

Healing is:

• Confronting what’s underneath

• Surrendering control

• And letting God into the rooms you have locked away

Even when it’s messy.

Even when it is uncomfortable.

Even when it is scary.

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Closing

I don’t think I am fully healed…this is just another layer that is exposed that needs healing.

But I think this is the first time I’ve been truly honest about that.

And just maybe…

That is where healing actually begins.

Remember my friends, healing isn’t linear, you’re always making progress.